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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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FDA Proposes Social Media Guidelines For Drug Companies

In order to prevent the posting of misleading information about medications, the FDA has proposed social media guidelines requiring drug companies to post both the benefits and risks of a drug, which experts say effectively limits their advertising on Twitter and Facebook. What do you think?

  • “That’s fine. My insurance company only lets me follow generic brands anyway.”

    Miles Faidley Cameraman
  • “Agreed. It’s really not possible to get a complete understanding of the benefits and risks of a drug without a full 15-second TV ad.”

    Nathan Lobell Driving Instructor
  • “What about Instagrams of the awesome pills people are about to swallow?”

    Allison Scheuer Gift Wrapper

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