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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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FDA Rarely Inspects Imported Food

Despite routinely being rejected as unfit for human consumption, only 1.3 percent of imported fish, vegetables, fruit, and other foods are inspected by the Food and Drug Administration. What do you think?
  • "What will the government do with all the food unfit for humans? 'Cause I'll totally eat it if they're just gonna toss it away."

    George Tartuffe Guitar Salesman
  • "Please tell me this doesn't include those Guacamole Doritos."

    Johann Puntigam Pharmacist's Assistant
  • "Can you blame them? I see the words 'Product of Ukraine' on a foodstuff and all my inhibitions melt away."

    Paul Ludlow Toll Booth Agent

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