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FDA To Ban Ephedra

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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FDA To Ban Ephedra

The FDA recently announced that it plans to prohibit sales of products containing ephedra, a stimulant sold primarily for weight loss. What do you think?
  • "If they ban ephedra, they're just going to drive fat people out into the streets for their weight-loss fix."

    Donald Clark Systems Analyst
  • "This is bullshit. I contacted the FDA after my cousin swallowed three wooden blocks and died, and you still see those on the market."

    Alan King Unemployed
  • "Well, for now, I can get along fine with bitter orange, royal jelly, and the lichen derivative usnic acid."

    Steve Hernandez Cook
  • "How terrible! Americans have no other options for weight-loss products."

    Martha Nelson Product Tester
  • "You can ban the drug ephedra, but you'll never be able to ban what ephedra stands for."

    Angela Hall Teacher
  • "Why is it always the drugs that suffer when people get hurt?"

    Gregory Green Professor

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