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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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FDA Urges Farmers To Eliminate Antibiotic Use

Fearing the spread of drug-resistant bacteria, the Food and Drug Administration has asked pharmaceutical companies to stop dispensing antibiotics to livestock without a prescription. What do you think?

  • “Look, if I notice any dangerous diseases in my livestock growing resistant to antibiotics threatening the rest of mankind, I’ll let someone know.”

    Scott Potter Farmer
  • "Antibiotic-laced meat can have its upside. I pride myself on the fact that my sweat glands can excrete pure metronidazole."

    Mary O’Herne Hand Packager
  • "Well, guess they have to go back to slathering the hogs in Purell again."

    Darrel Smith Thinner Sprayer

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