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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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FDA Urges Farmers To Eliminate Antibiotic Use

Fearing the spread of drug-resistant bacteria, the Food and Drug Administration has asked pharmaceutical companies to stop dispensing antibiotics to livestock without a prescription. What do you think?

  • “Look, if I notice any dangerous diseases in my livestock growing resistant to antibiotics threatening the rest of mankind, I’ll let someone know.”

    Scott Potter Farmer
  • "Antibiotic-laced meat can have its upside. I pride myself on the fact that my sweat glands can excrete pure metronidazole."

    Mary O’Herne Hand Packager
  • "Well, guess they have to go back to slathering the hogs in Purell again."

    Darrel Smith Thinner Sprayer

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