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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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FDA Weighs Genetically Modified Salmon

The Food and Drug Administration is deciding whether to allow the cultivation of salmon genetically modified to grow at twice its normal rate. What do you think?

  • "Oh, but they already grow up so fast as it is."

    Katherine Johnson Jig Builder
  • "They can't be any worse for you than Bugles."

    Matt Lunsford Systems Analyst
  • "Of course they should allow it. Nothing makes food taste better than playing God with it."

    Jacob Lewis Pneumatic Tool Operator

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