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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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FDA Weighs Genetically Modified Salmon

The Food and Drug Administration is deciding whether to allow the cultivation of salmon genetically modified to grow at twice its normal rate. What do you think?

  • "Oh, but they already grow up so fast as it is."

    Katherine Johnson Jig Builder
  • "They can't be any worse for you than Bugles."

    Matt Lunsford Systems Analyst
  • "Of course they should allow it. Nothing makes food taste better than playing God with it."

    Jacob Lewis Pneumatic Tool Operator
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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