Fear Of Mail

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BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
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Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.

Fear Of Mail

The U.S. Postal Service has emerged as the primary means of spreading anthrax, sparking fear among mail carriers and millions of Americans. What do you think?
  • "I've been terrified to open my mail lately. Especially the stuff from Verizon."

    Rich Pfloeg
    Carpenter
  • "As owner of America's third-largest mail-order baking-soda distributorship, I am deeply concerned."

    Frank Dawson
    Business Owner
  • "To think that just a short time ago, the biggest worry in opening your mail was that a package might contain a spring-propelled boxing glove that knocked you unconscious."

    Keith Howe
    Cashier
  • "I was wondering why some moonsuit-wearin' motherfucker handed me a Lenscrafters flyer this morning."

    Dana Dunst
    Systems Analyst
  • "We should write 'Return To Sender' on any anthrax-laced letters. That'd show 'em."

    Andrea Vincent
    Podiatrist
  • "As a major New York media power player, I'd better see an envelope full of anthrax on my desk by noon tomorrow, or I'm gonna be seriously pissed."

    Thomas McEntyre
    Publisher
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