Fear Of Mail

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Area Dad Thinks Refs Should Just Let Them Play Football

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

Fear Of Mail

The U.S. Postal Service has emerged as the primary means of spreading anthrax, sparking fear among mail carriers and millions of Americans. What do you think?
  • "I've been terrified to open my mail lately. Especially the stuff from Verizon."

    Rich Pfloeg
  • "As owner of America's third-largest mail-order baking-soda distributorship, I am deeply concerned."

    Frank Dawson
    Business Owner
  • "To think that just a short time ago, the biggest worry in opening your mail was that a package might contain a spring-propelled boxing glove that knocked you unconscious."

    Keith Howe
  • "I was wondering why some moonsuit-wearin' motherfucker handed me a Lenscrafters flyer this morning."

    Dana Dunst
    Systems Analyst
  • "We should write 'Return To Sender' on any anthrax-laced letters. That'd show 'em."

    Andrea Vincent
  • "As a major New York media power player, I'd better see an envelope full of anthrax on my desk by noon tomorrow, or I'm gonna be seriously pissed."

    Thomas McEntyre