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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:
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Feces Transplants Help Cure Diarrhea

A new study found that transplanting feces from a healthy person, typically a relative, into the colon of someone suffering diarrhea due to an infection of the Clostridium difficile bacteria proved markedly more effective at curing the ailment than antibiotics. What do you think?

  • “Diarrhea it is.”

    Manny Stanford Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, no! I’ve just been flushing mine this whole time. What a terrible waste.”

    Ellen Edemann Room Service Waitress
  • “Did Jerry put you up to this? Because he’s been trying to trick me into putting his shit in my ass for months.”

    Lyndell Thirlwell Drying Oven Tender

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