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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Feces Transplants Help Cure Diarrhea

A new study found that transplanting feces from a healthy person, typically a relative, into the colon of someone suffering diarrhea due to an infection of the Clostridium difficile bacteria proved markedly more effective at curing the ailment than antibiotics. What do you think?

  • “Diarrhea it is.”

    Manny Stanford Systems Analyst
  • “Oh, no! I’ve just been flushing mine this whole time. What a terrible waste.”

    Ellen Edemann Room Service Waitress
  • “Did Jerry put you up to this? Because he’s been trying to trick me into putting his shit in my ass for months.”

    Lyndell Thirlwell Drying Oven Tender

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