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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Federal Employees Owe More Than $1 Billion In Taxes

According to the IRS, federal, postal, and congressional employees owe $1.03 billion in unpaid taxes. What do you think?

  • "Interesting. I'll have to remember to be much ruder to my mailman next time I see him."

    Danny Fry Grip Boss
  • "Are you still allowed to write a whole news story about a measly billion bucks?"

    Arthur Huth Ceramic Restorer
  • "That's horrible. Where ever did these employees of the United States government get the idea that it was acceptable to let their obligations amass into an incomprehensibly large sum and not do a thing to pay it off?"

    Beth Kosloff Processing Supervisor

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