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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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Federal Security Breaches

Last week, it was reported that federal investigators carrying fake law-enforcement credentials were able to penetrate security at 21 government buildings, including the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, and Justice Department. What do you think about these alarming security breaches?
  • "As a terrorist, I say the public release of this report detailing specific security flaws in key federal buildings is a positive first step."

    Ahmed al Assan Terrorist
  • "I was once able to infiltrate security at an exclusive Miami beach club by posing as a Federal Bikini Inspector."

    Mike Hoyle Landscaper
  • "This report is just another excuse by Big Brother in Washington to curb our personal liberties and create a police state to, uh, to... whoa, man, I am so baked."

    Todd Cudahy Clerk
  • "I bet I could be an FBI agent. No, wait–not 'be,' 'kill.'"

    Carol Christiansen Homemaker
  • "Federal security's not as bad as they say. I haven't gotten into the Lincoln Bedroom yet."

    Max Arledge Systems Analyst
  • "The government hasn't been secure since Nancy Reagan took away its little blue blankie back in 1984."

    Denise Petry Psychologist

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