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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Federal Security Breaches

Last week, it was reported that federal investigators carrying fake law-enforcement credentials were able to penetrate security at 21 government buildings, including the Pentagon, CIA, FBI, and Justice Department. What do you think about these alarming security breaches?
  • "As a terrorist, I say the public release of this report detailing specific security flaws in key federal buildings is a positive first step."

    Ahmed al Assan Terrorist
  • "I was once able to infiltrate security at an exclusive Miami beach club by posing as a Federal Bikini Inspector."

    Mike Hoyle Landscaper
  • "This report is just another excuse by Big Brother in Washington to curb our personal liberties and create a police state to, uh, to... whoa, man, I am so baked."

    Todd Cudahy Clerk
  • "I bet I could be an FBI agent. No, wait–not 'be,' 'kill.'"

    Carol Christiansen Homemaker
  • "Federal security's not as bad as they say. I haven't gotten into the Lincoln Bedroom yet."

    Max Arledge Systems Analyst
  • "The government hasn't been secure since Nancy Reagan took away its little blue blankie back in 1984."

    Denise Petry Psychologist

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