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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Feds 'Friending' People On Facebook To Spy

Federal documents suggest both the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services and the Department of Homeland Security have encouraged agents to "friend" suspects on Facebook in order to check for evidence of misdeeds. What do you think?

  • "That would probably explain all those videos in my feed of Keyboard Cat playing off deportees."

    Keith Renn Dado Operator
  • "Thanks for the heads up. I'd better get home and unfriend Janet Napolitano."

    Emma Brand Kitchen Porter
  • "So, these agents. How good are they at tending virtual crops?"

    David Convex Unemployed
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