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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns

According to a study from The New York Times, the loosening of state laws across the country has made it much easier for convicted felons to obtain guns legally. What do you think?

  • "Aw, throw them a bone. It's not like they can vote, so they need a way to represent themselves."

    Jessica Serota Filter Tender
  • "If I wanted to hear someone on my case about carrying a gun, I wouldn’t have shot my court-appointed therapist."

    Frank Scharpling Systems Analyst
  • "Ooh, now I know what to get my felon brother-in-law for Christmas. Thanks!"

    Jack Ralston Orderly

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