adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Felons Have Increasing Access To Guns

According to a study from The New York Times, the loosening of state laws across the country has made it much easier for convicted felons to obtain guns legally. What do you think?

  • "Aw, throw them a bone. It's not like they can vote, so they need a way to represent themselves."

    Jessica Serota Filter Tender
  • "If I wanted to hear someone on my case about carrying a gun, I wouldn’t have shot my court-appointed therapist."

    Frank Scharpling Systems Analyst
  • "Ooh, now I know what to get my felon brother-in-law for Christmas. Thanks!"

    Jack Ralston Orderly

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close