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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Feud Develops Between Sly Stallone, Bruce Willis

After Bruce Willis reportedly refused to appear in the movie The Expendables 3 for less than $1 million per day for four days of filming, the film’s star Sylvester Stallone blasted Willis on Twitter as “greedy and lazy” and said he would suffer “career failure.” What do you think?

  • “This could get interesting. But I doubt it.”

    Joshua Boggs Glass Calibrator
  • “Now I’m gonna have the Expendables theme song stuck in my head all day.”

    Adele Yelchin Unemployed
  • “No Bruce Willis? You mean it’ll just be Stallone, Eric Roberts, Harrison Ford, Dolph Lundgren, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Gary Daniels, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Randy Couture, Jason Statham, Terry Crews, and Steve Austin? Fuck that!”

    Derek Plauche Layaway Clerk

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