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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fewer Boys Being Born

According to data gathered by the University of Pittsburgh, the number of male births has declined since 1970. What do you think?
  • "I would be really worried about this if it wasn't swinging the ratio drastically in my favor."

    Jim Barker Crossing Guard
  • "And yet the number of pigheaded, overbearing, aggressive cockwads continues to be the same. I hate men! I hate men! My boyfriend just dumped me."

    Lydia Jourgensen Systems Analyst
  • "Looks like we won't have to worry about the toilet seat being left up for too much longer. Because the human race will be extinct. I mean, am I right, ladies?"

    Kevin Rieflin Contractor

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