adBlockCheck

Recent News

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fewer Emergency Rooms As Need Increases

According to a study published in The Journal Of The American Medical Association, the number of non-rural emergency rooms fell 27 percent even as ER visits nationwide rose 35 percent. What do you think?

  • “The upshot is that if the discrepancy persists long enough, we’ll have the perfect number of emergency rooms for everyone who hasn’t died.”

    Carol Stengler Systems Analyst
  • “But where are all the ambulances going to go?”

    Jim Harris Weight-Loss Camp Inspector
  • "Well, that doesn't sound good. Say, has anyone thought of trying to reform medical care in the United States?"

    Fred Butler Registrar

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close