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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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'Fifty Shades Of Grey' Series Reaches 10 Million Sales

Publishing house Vintage has sold 10 million copies of the erotica trilogy Fifty Shades Of Grey in multiple formats in an astonishing six weeks. What do you think?

  • “Whatever happened to the good old days of finding a cheap paperback with women spanking each other on the cover in your dad's sock drawer?”

    Veronica Palomino Invoice-Control Clerk
  • “I was really excited about it until I opened the book and guess what? It’s just a bunch of words.”

    Giovanni Dietrich Feed Mixer
  • “Idiots. There's no way there are more than 12 shades of grey.”

    Anthony Hoffman Systems Analyst
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