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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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File Sharer Fined $222,000

A Minnesota woman was fined $222,000 for illegally downloading and distributing 24 songs via the file-sharing network Kazaa. What do you think?
  • "Wow, is that how much music costs now? Honestly, I have no idea, I haven't paid for music in years."

    Pete Carson Furniture Mover
  • "A stiff fine, yes, but it's hardly as bad as when I was punched in the stomach for humming 'Hollaback Girl' on the elevator."

    Shelley Birney Painter
  • "To avoid any problems, I'll just start stealing from the record store again."

    Hans Hoerzl Curtain Installer
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