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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

To improve national security, last week the U.S. began fingerprinting and photographing foreigners arriving at air- and seaports. What do you think?
  • "What? They have fingerprints? Those bastards become more like humans every day."

    James R. Webb Marine Engineer
  • "They're taking photos? That's useless. Everyone looks like a terrorist in an ID photo."

    Paula Holt Writer
  • "I've always thought that people should have to jump through more hoops for the privilege of visiting a glorious bastion of freedom and liberty like America."

    Shirley Crawford Illustrator
  • "This information will come in handy if we ever need to determine exactly who touched the counter at the St. Louis Arch gift shop."

    Edgar Little Systems Analyst
  • "Why the hubbub? It's not like we're extracting delicious DNA samples from them. Did I say delicious? I meant invasive."

    Alex Mason Dishwasher
  • "They do the photography and fingerprinting at no charge? America truly is the land of opportunity!"

    Ronald Ramirez Guard

More from this section

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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