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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

To improve national security, last week the U.S. began fingerprinting and photographing foreigners arriving at air- and seaports. What do you think?
  • "What? They have fingerprints? Those bastards become more like humans every day."

    James R. Webb Marine Engineer
  • "They're taking photos? That's useless. Everyone looks like a terrorist in an ID photo."

    Paula Holt Writer
  • "I've always thought that people should have to jump through more hoops for the privilege of visiting a glorious bastion of freedom and liberty like America."

    Shirley Crawford Illustrator
  • "This information will come in handy if we ever need to determine exactly who touched the counter at the St. Louis Arch gift shop."

    Edgar Little Systems Analyst
  • "Why the hubbub? It's not like we're extracting delicious DNA samples from them. Did I say delicious? I meant invasive."

    Alex Mason Dishwasher
  • "They do the photography and fingerprinting at no charge? America truly is the land of opportunity!"

    Ronald Ramirez Guard

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