Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

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Journeyman Fan Joins Sixth NFL Team In 5 Years

HELENA, MT—Continuing his lengthy trek around the league, sources confirmed Friday that 36-year-old journeyman fan Brian Ferretti has joined the Arizona Cardinals, his sixth team in the past five years.

Is The Nation Ready For The Next Katrina?

Friday marks the 10-year anniversary of when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans, and many commentators have argued that not enough has been done over the past decade to address infrastructure and emergency response issues that could put coastal cities nationwide, including New Orleans, at risk of a catastrophe on a similar scale. Is the nation prepared for another Katrina?

Department Of Labor Study Confirms Your Job Most Demanding

‘None Of Your Friends Understand How Hard It Is,’ Report Reads

WASHINGTON—Noting that the level of mental strain associated with the profession was far and away the highest recorded, a federal study on workplace conditions and occupational stress released Thursday has confirmed that your job is the most demanding career in the entire nation, and that none of your friends or family fully understand how hard it is.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.
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  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Fingerprinting Foreign Visitors

To improve national security, last week the U.S. began fingerprinting and photographing foreigners arriving at air- and seaports. What do you think?
  • "What? They have fingerprints? Those bastards become more like humans every day."

    James R. Webb
    Marine Engineer
  • "They're taking photos? That's useless. Everyone looks like a terrorist in an ID photo."

    Paula Holt
    Writer
  • "I've always thought that people should have to jump through more hoops for the privilege of visiting a glorious bastion of freedom and liberty like America."

    Shirley Crawford
    Illustrator
  • "This information will come in handy if we ever need to determine exactly who touched the counter at the St. Louis Arch gift shop."

    Edgar Little
    Systems Analyst
  • "Why the hubbub? It's not like we're extracting delicious DNA samples from them. Did I say delicious? I meant invasive."

    Alex Mason
    Dishwasher
  • "They do the photography and fingerprinting at no charge? America truly is the land of opportunity!"

    Ronald Ramirez
    Guard