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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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First American Colonists Engaged In Cannibalism

Citing knife and saw marks on the bones of a 14-year-old girl who is believed to have died of starvation, researchers concluded that the colonists in Jamestown, the first permanent English settlement in the Americas, ate the girl’s flesh and brain during the winter of 1609. What do you think?

  • “They must have really hated corn.”

    Lucas Doss Patent Agent
  • “It was a different time.”

    Mitchell Vargo Oil Pumper
  • “I’d eat some frozen kid if it meant escaping religious persecution.”

    Karen Osburn Audiologist
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