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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.

Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.
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First American Colonists Engaged In Cannibalism

Citing knife and saw marks on the bones of a 14-year-old girl who is believed to have died of starvation, researchers concluded that the colonists in Jamestown, the first permanent English settlement in the Americas, ate the girl’s flesh and brain during the winter of 1609. What do you think?

  • “They must have really hated corn.”

    Lucas Doss Patent Agent
  • “It was a different time.”

    Mitchell Vargo Oil Pumper
  • “I’d eat some frozen kid if it meant escaping religious persecution.”

    Karen Osburn Audiologist

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