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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.
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First Brazilian In Space

Lt. Col. Marcos Pontes, the first Brazilian astronaut, is due to return from his brief mission tomorrow. What do you think?
  • "I'm all for a Brazilian being sent into space, but that spacesuit left little to the imagination."

    Natasha Nicholls Hair Stylist
  • "I understand this is part of their greater plan to have a lunar favela by 2028."

    Harold Ledin Systems Analyst
  • "I wonder how they decided who got to escape Brazil."

    Darrick Unger Botanist

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