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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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First Brazilian In Space

Lt. Col. Marcos Pontes, the first Brazilian astronaut, is due to return from his brief mission tomorrow. What do you think?
  • "I'm all for a Brazilian being sent into space, but that spacesuit left little to the imagination."

    Natasha Nicholls Hair Stylist
  • "I understand this is part of their greater plan to have a lunar favela by 2028."

    Harold Ledin Systems Analyst
  • "I wonder how they decided who got to escape Brazil."

    Darrick Unger Botanist

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