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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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First Family In Crisis

In the wake of the Lewinsky scandal, media focus has shifted to the First Family, with some speculating that Bill and Hillary will divorce upon leaving the White House. What do you think about the future of the Clintons?
  • "Hillary must be deeply hurt and angered that her husband broke his sacred vow to keep his extramarital affairs from the press."

    Barry Todd Lawyer
  • "As a Sudanese factory worker, I sincerely hope that Bill Clinton remains faithful to his wife during his remaining time in office."

    Biswot Salaam Factory Worker
  • "I used to think Hillary was a bitch, but all that's changed now that I see her as a victim."

    Renee Walker Manicurist
  • "I'm just glad Hillary hasn't stood by her man like some good little woman like Tammy Wynette."

    Gina Lyons Systems Analyst
  • "That recent vacation on Martha's Vineyard was just what Hillary needed–a break from the pressure of constantly feigning surprise and indignation."

    Larry Klecko Opthamologist
  • "One thing's for sure: It'll be years before Chelsea is willing to give a guy a blow job."

    Rick Leahy Carpenter

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