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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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First Female Chancellor Of Germany

The Christian Democrat Party's Angela Merkel has been elected chancellor of Germany, the first woman to hold that post. What do you think?
  • "Is this some trick to make me care about the Germans? Because I guarantee you, it’s not working."

    Gwendolyn Wyche Teacher
  • "A woman chancellor of Germany? What’s next, an American TV show featuring a woman president?"

    August Wojcizk Bar Owner
  • "The question remains: Will the people of Germany obey her? If she wears a black leather uniform and slaps a riding crop against the side of her leg, I believe they will."

    Horace Wirt Writer
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