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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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First Female Chancellor Of Germany

The Christian Democrat Party's Angela Merkel has been elected chancellor of Germany, the first woman to hold that post. What do you think?
  • "Is this some trick to make me care about the Germans? Because I guarantee you, it’s not working."

    Gwendolyn Wyche Teacher
  • "A woman chancellor of Germany? What’s next, an American TV show featuring a woman president?"

    August Wojcizk Bar Owner
  • "The question remains: Will the people of Germany obey her? If she wears a black leather uniform and slaps a riding crop against the side of her leg, I believe they will."

    Horace Wirt Writer

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