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First Female Chancellor Of Germany

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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First Female Chancellor Of Germany

The Christian Democrat Party's Angela Merkel has been elected chancellor of Germany, the first woman to hold that post. What do you think?
  • "Is this some trick to make me care about the Germans? Because I guarantee you, it’s not working."

    Gwendolyn Wyche Teacher
  • "A woman chancellor of Germany? What’s next, an American TV show featuring a woman president?"

    August Wojcizk Bar Owner
  • "The question remains: Will the people of Germany obey her? If she wears a black leather uniform and slaps a riding crop against the side of her leg, I believe they will."

    Horace Wirt Writer

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