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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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First Female Chancellor Of Germany

The Christian Democrat Party's Angela Merkel has been elected chancellor of Germany, the first woman to hold that post. What do you think?
  • "Is this some trick to make me care about the Germans? Because I guarantee you, it’s not working."

    Gwendolyn Wyche Teacher
  • "A woman chancellor of Germany? What’s next, an American TV show featuring a woman president?"

    August Wojcizk Bar Owner
  • "The question remains: Will the people of Germany obey her? If she wears a black leather uniform and slaps a riding crop against the side of her leg, I believe they will."

    Horace Wirt Writer

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