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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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First Flower Blooms In Space

Astronaut Scott Kelly tweeted an image of an orange zinnia that has been grown entirely within the International Space Station’s Veggie chamber despite damages the plant suffered from humidity and mold, an accomplishment that NASA hopes will lead to other agricultural developments in outer space. What do you think?

  • “That ought to help brighten up the unfathomably immense blackness of our universe.”

    Duncan Rizer Elbow Specialist
  • “So, what, one day all flowers will be grown in space or something?”

    Madeline Dubose Gerbil Socializer
  • “I never thought I’d be alive to see NASA’s final triumph.”

    Joel Simpson Corporate Skeptic

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