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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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First Lady Urges Americans To Drink More Water

Noting that 4 in 10 Americans drink less than half the recommended amount of water per day, Michelle Obama kicked off her new Drink Up initiative, launching the hashtag #DrinkH2O and a new website, youarewhatyoudrink.org, to help spread her message. What do you think?

  • “The trick is to cut it with a little soda.”

    Carl Maginnis Interior Decorator
  • “If there’s anybody who could get me to drink more water, it’s Michelle Obama. Look at her, she’s 60 percent water.”

    Polly Fullerton Podiatrist
  • “If I want to be dehydrated, that’s my damn business. I’ll check out that website, though—sounds neat.”

    Brad Bruno Unemployed

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