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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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First Latin American Pope Chosen

Argentine Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, 76, was elected to the papacy yesterday, becoming the first Latin American and the first Jesuit pontiff in the Vatican’s history, and taking the name Pope Francis I. What do you think?

  • “Finally, a pope who can dance the forbidden dance.”

    Fiona Gough Awning Hanger
  • “Isn’t he a bit young?”

    Jack Wakefield Dial Maker
  • “This is a hell of a way to find out I’m not the new pope.”

    Thomas Simpson Unemployed

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