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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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First Mixed-Embryo Monkey Born

Scientists reported in the journal Cell the first successful birth of a monkey composed of stem cells from six different monkey embryos. What do you think?

  • "No one should play God with monkeys. Unless it is Hanuman, the Hindu monkey god. He gets a pass."

    Drake Evans Systems Analyst
  • "Wow, that's amazing. Imagine having the hat-stealing abilities of six monkeys!"

    Dana Thorsen Hose Puller
  • "I love how suddenly the successful birth of a monkey with stem cells from only five different monkey embryos isn't a big deal anymore. Now I'm yesterday's news, Cell?"

    Mr. Bobo Monkey

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