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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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First Private Flight To Space Station This Week

SpaceX, the privately owned spaceflight company, is planning to launch a robotic capsule to the International Space Station this Saturday. What do you think?

  • “I just don’t trust the private sector to properly equip a rocket the way the government does. What happens if they need to make some triplicate forms up there?”

    Kelly Green Lacquerer
  • “Hopefully a private flight will finally introduce the kind of prestige and exclusivity that's always been lacking in space travel.”

    Lou Hogan Systems Analyst
  • “Our collective better get to work on the first anarcho-syndicalist-owned capsule right away, then.”

    Isaac Guinn Heel Compressor
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