First Private Flight To Space Station This Week

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Child’s Loose Grasp On Balloon Only Thing Between Peace And Anarchy At Restaurant

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Eating their meals and conversing pleasantly without paying any heed to how loosely the string was wrapped around the young child’s finger, diners at a local Panera Bread reportedly went about their lunch Wednesday completely unaware that 2-year-old Nate Pollen’s tenuous grasp on a red helium balloon was the only thing standing between peace and total anarchy.

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Best Buy Employee Wearing Different Colored Shirt For Some Reason

‘His Shirt Is Black,’ Confused Customers Say

FAIRFAX, VA—Eyeing the staff member with wariness and confusion, customers at the Fair City Mall Best Buy location confirmed Wednesday that one of the store’s employees was, for some reason, wearing a black shirt rather than a blue one like the rest of his coworkers.
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College Freshman Decides To Be Lanyard-Wearing Kind

ANN ARBOR, MI—Emphasizing that this was not a choice he had made lightly, University of Michigan student Kevin Peterson told reporters Thursday that he had officially decided to become one of the lanyard-wearing kind of freshmen.

First Private Flight To Space Station This Week

SpaceX, the privately owned spaceflight company, is planning to launch a robotic capsule to the International Space Station this Saturday. What do you think?

  • “I just don’t trust the private sector to properly equip a rocket the way the government does. What happens if they need to make some triplicate forms up there?”

    Kelly Green
  • “Hopefully a private flight will finally introduce the kind of prestige and exclusivity that's always been lacking in space travel.”

    Lou Hogan
    Systems Analyst
  • “Our collective better get to work on the first anarcho-syndicalist-owned capsule right away, then.”

    Isaac Guinn
    Heel Compressor