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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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First Transgender Person Nominated For Emmy

Nominated in the “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series” category for her role on the Netflix series Orange Is The New Black, Laverne Cox is the first transgender individual ever to be considered for an Emmy, a distinction that comes on the heels of her appearance on the cover of Time magazine, another milestone for a transgender person. What do you think?

  • “This seems like a pretty low-pressure opportunity to prove how open-minded I am by saying ‘Congratulations!’”

    Doug Means Data Crammer
  • “Yet another rollercoaster of excitement that comes with ‘Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series’ nominations.”

    Tad Kellogg Zodiac Killer
  • “This sure makes the Golden Globes look like a bunch of transphobic bigots.”

    Victoria Trimble Unlicensed Pilot

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