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Google Unveils New Larry Page–Driven Car

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Touting the project as its most advanced foray yet into the realm of personal transportation, Google unveiled its new Larry Page–driven car at a press event Wednesday.

Trump Outlines Bold Vision For Nation’s Next Mass Protests

WASHINGTON—Stirring the emotions of citizens across the nation with his strong and affecting rhetoric, President Donald Trump outlined a bold vision for the country’s next mass protests during his address to a joint session of Congress Tuesday night.

What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.
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First Transgender Person Nominated For Emmy

Nominated in the “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series” category for her role on the Netflix series Orange Is The New Black, Laverne Cox is the first transgender individual ever to be considered for an Emmy, a distinction that comes on the heels of her appearance on the cover of Time magazine, another milestone for a transgender person. What do you think?

  • “This seems like a pretty low-pressure opportunity to prove how open-minded I am by saying ‘Congratulations!’”

    Doug Means Data Crammer
  • “Yet another rollercoaster of excitement that comes with ‘Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series’ nominations.”

    Tad Kellogg Zodiac Killer
  • “This sure makes the Golden Globes look like a bunch of transphobic bigots.”

    Victoria Trimble Unlicensed Pilot
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