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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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First Woman Added To FBI’s 'Most Wanted Terrorists' List

Joanne Chesimard, a member of the Black Liberation Army who killed a New Jersey state trooper 40 years ago and has since fled to Cuba, was named one of the FBI’s Most Wanted Terrorists, becoming the first woman ever to appear on the list. What do you think?

  • “I’m sure some hardworking male terrorist lost his spot just so the FBI could make a point.”

    Moe Vanselow Pulp Press Tender
  • “Frankly, they’re not doing enough. Fifty percent of those terrorists need to be women before I’ll be satisfied.”

    Amy Yerkes Lawn Sprinkler Installer
  • “But I bet she doesn’t make as much money as all the men on that list.”

    Juan Pablo Ayala Systems Analyst

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