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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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First Womb Transplant Planned

A team of Manhattan doctors is planning the first-ever uterus transplant. What do you think?
  • "If you were irresponsible enough to ruin your first uterus, I don't think you should be able to get a new one."

    Jamie Niles Mason
  • "Won't gestation in a corpse womb instill maternal feelings toward the undead in these children? Oh, nice try, zombie scientists. Nice try."

    Tim Keller Systems Analyst
  • "Wow, I really underestimated the David Cronenberg Center For Women's Health."

    Randy Chern Chef

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