adBlockCheck

Five Percent Of U.S. Workers Are Illegal Aliens

Top Headlines

Recent News

Wow, Dad Really Went From Zero To 60 With Woodworking This Summer

PAGE, AZ—Expressing their astonishment as they once again heard the sound of their father using his circular saw in the garage despite his seemingly complete lack of interest in the craft prior to last month, the children of area man Sam Morgan, 52, confirmed Tuesday that, wow, their dad had really gone from zero to 60 with woodworking this summer.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Five Percent Of U.S. Workers Are Illegal Aliens

A recent study shows that 5 percent of all workers in the U.S. are illegal immigrants. What do you think?
  • "I yearn for the day when 100 percent of all workers are illegal immigrants and we as a nation can devote all our time to bitching about them."

    Ian Connelly Electrician
  • "Five percent seems like a lot, but when you consider that they’re responsible for 100 percent of the work that actually gets done, the problem is much worse."

    Ben Schwartz Bail Bondsman
  • "Ha! You should check out the factory I own! It's gotta be like 30 percent, maybe 35 percent!"

    Heather Mitchell Garment Manufacturer

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close