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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Flavored Cigarettes Banned

The FDA ban on cigarettes flavored with cloves or fruit—but not menthol—took effect this week. What do you think?

  • "It's really disappointing that we need the government to tell people they shouldn't be smoking clove-flavored cigarettes."

    Peter Tudyk Optical Manager
  • "I think that, in the interest of fairness, Bud Light Lime should have to go as well."

    Jake Karuschkat Unemployed
  • "Bummer. With clove cigarettes a thing of the past, it won't be long before the Cure breaks up."

    Darla McCann Help Desk Technician

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