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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.
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Flaws In FBI Watchlist

An audit revealed that there were notable inaccuracies over the past three years in information the FBI was providing to the government about terror suspects. What do you think?
  • "The list's flaws are, at the very least, overstated. We will bring Osama bin Goldberg to justice."

    Cynthia Meline FBI Agent
  • "You can't expect the FBI to provide reliable information when they disavowed the supernatural for nine seasons on The X-Files."

    Jaime Bavitz Systems Analyst
  • "Accurate, inaccurate—look, do they want the information or not?"

    Marcus Haynes Personnel Manager
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