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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Flaws In FBI Watchlist

An audit revealed that there were notable inaccuracies over the past three years in information the FBI was providing to the government about terror suspects. What do you think?
  • "The list's flaws are, at the very least, overstated. We will bring Osama bin Goldberg to justice."

    Cynthia Meline FBI Agent
  • "You can't expect the FBI to provide reliable information when they disavowed the supernatural for nine seasons on The X-Files."

    Jaime Bavitz Systems Analyst
  • "Accurate, inaccurate—look, do they want the information or not?"

    Marcus Haynes Personnel Manager

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