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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Flesh-Eating Drug Krokodil Catches On In U.S.

Several people in the U.S. have been hospitalized following their apparent use of the highly addictive injectable street drug known as krokodil, which is popular in Eastern Europe and which experts say rots users’ flesh from the inside out. What do you think?

  • “I don’t trust any drug that’s misspelled.”

    Whit Skrien Dross Skimmer
  • “Destroying your body with drugs is a marathon, not a sprint.”

    Ken Barbanell Oral Surgeon
  • “Are there any side effects?”

    Karen Cusack Battery Repairer

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