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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Flooding In Mozambique

Four weeks of severe flooding have left untold thousands dead and 240,000 homeless in Mozambique, with still more rain expected. What do you think of this dire international situation?
  • "First, we have to bail out the Africans because they don't have enough water. Now, it's because they have too much. Which is it, folks?"

    Todd Pollack Lawyer
  • "It's awful what's happening over there. We should start bombing as soon as possible."

    Mark Schor Telemarketer
  • "Mozambique, Mozambique, Mozambique. All you ever hear about in the news is Mozambique."

    Brian Waller Systems Analyst
  • "I just hope Paul Simon was airlifted to safety in time."

    Bobbie Alexander Dental Hygienist
  • "It seems like wherever those Doctors Without Borders go, trouble crops up."

    Lynne Allen Homemaker
  • "Oh, those brown people. What will they get themselves into next?"

    Scott Groginsky Postal Worker

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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