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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Florida Democrats Mail It In

Florida Democrats are trying to have a mail-in primary so their delegates' votes will be counted at their party's convention. What do you think?
  • "When did counting votes become part of the process?"

    Leslie Bartlett Events Waiter
  • "It's comforting to know this nation's policy on choosing a presidential candidate will be handled the same way as entering a Nutter Butter sweepstakes."

    Brenda Holmes Closet Organizer
  • "Oh, and I'd just love to see how much the U.S. postmaster general donated to the Florida Democratic Party."

    Anton Dunn Systems Analyst

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