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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Florida Evicts Bridge-Dwelling Sex Offenders

The state of Florida is dissuading sex offenders from continuing to live under a bridge, despite their claims that existing ordinances prevent them from living elsewhere. What do you think?
  • "I hope all this talk of sex offenders doesn't tarnish the squeaky-clean image of the common bridge-dweller."

    Duncan Garfield Pizza Cook
  • "I know that sometimes it's difficult to have sympathy for sex offenders, but just pretend for a minute that one of them was your father."

    Alex Gladstone Nail Salon Worker
  • "This is an outrage. My children drive over that bridge!"

    Mallory Ryan Marketing Consultant

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