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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Florida Faces Early Voting Fiasco

Florida residents hoping to cast early ballots faced long lines yesterday, including a six-hour wait at one polling place in Miami-Dade County, while a bomb scare closed a voting location near Orlando. What do you think?

  • “This is almost as bad as the 1912 Florida election, when alligators ate 27 Taft supporters.”

    Walter Calloway Leather Tooler
  • “It’s not easy to equip polling places for large numbers of voters. For one thing, you need a shitload of pens.”

    Gloria Pidgurski Systems Analyst
  • “As long as my vote for Pat Buchanan went through, I’m satisfied.”

    Junior Lamarche Calcine Furnace Loader
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