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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend

A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit. What do you think?

  • “Her father must feel conflicted. He’s losing a daughter but gaining a guy who’s now her father but also sleeping with her.”

    Dan Kelly Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, great. I finally got my old lady to stop nagging me to get hitched, and now this."

    Becky Von Till Polymerization Oven Operator
  • "Good luck. I remember how difficult raising my girlfriend was at 48."

    Carlos Edwardson Greens Tier

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