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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend

A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit. What do you think?

  • “Her father must feel conflicted. He’s losing a daughter but gaining a guy who’s now her father but also sleeping with her.”

    Dan Kelly Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, great. I finally got my old lady to stop nagging me to get hitched, and now this."

    Becky Von Till Polymerization Oven Operator
  • "Good luck. I remember how difficult raising my girlfriend was at 48."

    Carlos Edwardson Greens Tier

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