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Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Florida Millionaire Adopts 42-Year-Old Girlfriend

A 48-year-old West Palm Beach millionaire and polo club founder has adopted his 42-year-old girlfriend in an apparent bid to avoid paying out a wrongful death lawsuit. What do you think?

  • “Her father must feel conflicted. He’s losing a daughter but gaining a guy who’s now her father but also sleeping with her.”

    Dan Kelly Systems Analyst
  • "Oh, great. I finally got my old lady to stop nagging me to get hitched, and now this."

    Becky Von Till Polymerization Oven Operator
  • "Good luck. I remember how difficult raising my girlfriend was at 48."

    Carlos Edwardson Greens Tier

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