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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Florida Restaurant Discontinues Lion-Meat Tacos

After coming under fire by animal rights activists and receiving numerous threats, the Tampa, FL restaurant Taco Fusion decided to discontinue its $35 taco made with meat from a lion. What do you think?

  • “Ugh. You never actually know what kind of meat they put in these $35 tacos.”

    Frederick Kopp Systems Analyst
  • “Why are we eating these majestic animals when they could be in the circus where they belong?”

    Raymond Spendlove Fur Tailor
  • “Oh, I can’t eat Mexican food. Too spicy.”

    Carla Jean Lampman Art Teacher

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