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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Florida School To Stop Giving Kids Mountain Dew Before Tests

Amid concerns that the practice doesn’t comply with state law, Creel Elementary School in Florida has ceased giving students small cups of Mountain Dew before the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test, which were intended as a motivational treat. What do you think?

  • “Glad to hear someone fixed the flaw in standardized testing.”

    Kristen Hahn Estate Conservator
  • “Good. The Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test is X-treme enough as it is.”

    Nolan Anfanger Posting Clerk
  • “That’s bullshit. Mountain Dew is supposed to be given afterwards as a reward for doing well.”

    Adrian Hines Sonographer

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