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Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.
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Flu Hitting Obese People Harder

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 46 percent of American adults who have been hospitalized with this year’s strain of the flu are obese, a figure much higher than the 20-30 percent average of years past. What do you think?

  • “Are we sure they’re not just faking it to get some of that tasty medicine?”

    Raymond Massey Watchband Assembler
  • “So that’s why Hardy was always sneezing while Laurel looked fine.”

    Ross Bristow Recording Engineer
  • “Oh great, another excuse for people to not hang out with me.”

    Sandra Vafiadis Systems Analyst

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Report: Sky Normal Today

WASHINGTON—Informing citizens there really wasn’t anything special going on up there, the nation’s scientists confirmed the sky is normal today.

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