adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
End Of Section
  • More News

Flu Hitting Obese People Harder

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 46 percent of American adults who have been hospitalized with this year’s strain of the flu are obese, a figure much higher than the 20-30 percent average of years past. What do you think?

  • “Are we sure they’re not just faking it to get some of that tasty medicine?”

    Raymond Massey Watchband Assembler
  • “So that’s why Hardy was always sneezing while Laurel looked fine.”

    Ross Bristow Recording Engineer
  • “Oh great, another excuse for people to not hang out with me.”

    Sandra Vafiadis Systems Analyst

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close