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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Flu Season Arrives Month Early

Citing an uptick in influenza reports in the Southeast and Texas, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned that flu season has arrived a month earlier than usual and noted that this year’s strain could be particularly troublesome for the elderly. What do you think?

  • “I’m not worried. I got a flu shot one year.”

    Jay Kellener Road Supervisor
  • “Every year flu season seems to just get longer and more commercialized.”

    Cyndi Strouse Formula Bottler
  • “Stay out of Texas and avoid the elderly. Done and done.”

    T. Daniel Bronskill Bundle Weigher
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