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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Food Companies Cut 6.4 Trillion Calories From Products

A study has found that a group of 16 major food companies including Kraft and Coca-Cola cut a total of 6.4 trillion calories from their products between 2007 and 2012, far exceeding their pledge to slash 1.5 trillion calories by 2015. What do you think?

  • “They better not have laid a hand on my Phineas and Ferb macaroni and cheese.”

    Megan Forster Music Teacher
  • “Food companies can take away my calories, but they can never take away the self-loathing that drives me to overeat.”

    Rob Keeney Systems Analyst
  • “We need a cake to celebrate!”

    Aaron Simonson Oil-Pipe Inspector
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