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Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Food Pyramid Scrapped

The U.S. Agriculture Department has thrown out the Food Pyramid, in use since 1992, in favor of "MyPlate," a new plate-based dietary visualization tool. What do you think?

  • "But now how will I remember how many cartoon baguettes and whole roasted turkeys I'm supposed to eat?"

    Rick Cassidy Sewer Pipe Offbearer
  • “Shit, I’ve been eating a pyramid-based diet for the past two decades. I’m a dead man.”

    Rachel Gmetro Gang Sawyer
  • "As the morning dawns, another hallmark of the grunge era is gone, but not before I finish listening to Mudhoney's Piece Of Cake, drink an eighth glass of water, and move on to fortified cereal one last time."

    Finn Russo Detective

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