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Food Pyramid Scrapped

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PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

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SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

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Food Pyramid Scrapped

The U.S. Agriculture Department has thrown out the Food Pyramid, in use since 1992, in favor of "MyPlate," a new plate-based dietary visualization tool. What do you think?

  • "But now how will I remember how many cartoon baguettes and whole roasted turkeys I'm supposed to eat?"

    Rick Cassidy Sewer Pipe Offbearer
  • “Shit, I’ve been eating a pyramid-based diet for the past two decades. I’m a dead man.”

    Rachel Gmetro Gang Sawyer
  • "As the morning dawns, another hallmark of the grunge era is gone, but not before I finish listening to Mudhoney's Piece Of Cake, drink an eighth glass of water, and move on to fortified cereal one last time."

    Finn Russo Detective

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