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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Football Players Suffering Brain Damage

Doctors have found a type of brain damage usually associated with boxers in six NFL players who died at age 50 or younger. What do you think?
  • "I've always said that players shouldn't be allowed onto the football field unless they've been doing rigorous exercises to toughen the brain."

    Chad Flaherty Flooring Sales Representative
  • "If I'd known professional football was so dangerous, I never would have let my son join the Atlanta Falcons."

    Matt Pergament Public Relations
  • "Perhaps they should sign a waiver indicating they are willing to take the risk in exchange for, say, tens of millions of dollars."

    Francis Judson IT Specialist
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