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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Former Illinois Governor Found Guilty Of Fraud

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan was found guilty of racketeering and fraud for steering big money contracts to friends, family and cronies. What do you think?
  • “Whoop-dee-doo. When Howard Dean was governor of Vermont he would help friends and relatives hand-dig secret graves out by the Montpelier Race Track.”

    Nick DiMatteis Hair Stylist
  • “Since he abolished the death penalty, he should’ve committed a capital crime too, just as a final ‘fuck you’ to the state.”

    Josh Galloway Sales Associate
  • “It’s a sad day in this country when an Illinois politician can’t get away with a little racketeering and fraud anymore.”

    Vicki Umbehaun Pharmacist

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