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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Former Illinois Governor Found Guilty Of Fraud

Former Illinois Governor George Ryan was found guilty of racketeering and fraud for steering big money contracts to friends, family and cronies. What do you think?
  • “Whoop-dee-doo. When Howard Dean was governor of Vermont he would help friends and relatives hand-dig secret graves out by the Montpelier Race Track.”

    Nick DiMatteis Hair Stylist
  • “Since he abolished the death penalty, he should’ve committed a capital crime too, just as a final ‘fuck you’ to the state.”

    Josh Galloway Sales Associate
  • “It’s a sad day in this country when an Illinois politician can’t get away with a little racketeering and fraud anymore.”

    Vicki Umbehaun Pharmacist
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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