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Former KGB Spy Poisoned

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Former KGB Spy Poisoned

Alexander Litvinenko, a former Soviet spy and critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was hospitalized in London after being poisoned. What do you think?
  • “Leave it to the Bond marketing team to really up the ante for opening weekend.”

    Linda Koelsch Dog Groomer
  • “Man. Every time a Russian starts to go bald and gaunt, he's all, ‘I was poisoned!’”

    Robert Pugh Systems Analyst
  • “You can't trust a Soviet spy. All those former KGB spooks are corrupt megalomaniacs—except, of course for Putin.”

    Kelly O'Grady Jobs Counselor

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