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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Former KGB Spy Poisoned

Alexander Litvinenko, a former Soviet spy and critic of Russian President Vladimir Putin, was hospitalized in London after being poisoned. What do you think?
  • “Leave it to the Bond marketing team to really up the ante for opening weekend.”

    Linda Koelsch Dog Groomer
  • “Man. Every time a Russian starts to go bald and gaunt, he's all, ‘I was poisoned!’”

    Robert Pugh Systems Analyst
  • “You can't trust a Soviet spy. All those former KGB spooks are corrupt megalomaniacs—except, of course for Putin.”

    Kelly O'Grady Jobs Counselor

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