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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Former NASCAR Official Suing For Harassment

An ex-NASCAR inspector is suing the organization for wrongful termination and racial and sexual discrimination. What do you think?
  • "These allegations make me feel a little ashamed to have Jeff Gordon's number and likeness tattooed on my chest."

    Charlie Voyce Trade Representative
  • "Someone must have forgotten to take down that tool girl calendar."

    Russ Isaacs Student Advisor
  • "Was she good-looking?"

    Angie Moore Building Superintendent
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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