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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Former Spy Telescopes Turned To Space

The National Reconnaissance Office has donated two former spy telescopes to NASA, which hopes to repurpose them to investigate dark energy. What do you think?

  • "They should give NASA some wiretaps to listen in on what those asteroids are saying about us."

    Kenny Grieve Disc-Pad-Plate Filler
  • "NASA always gets the best hand-me-downs. Remember a couple years ago when the USDA donated a corn picker? Up it went, right into space."

    Sheena Vincent Welt Cutter, Reflow Operator
  • "Oh, you believed that, did you? Excellent."

    Todd Lanier-Bramlett Display Maker

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