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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Former Spy Telescopes Turned To Space

The National Reconnaissance Office has donated two former spy telescopes to NASA, which hopes to repurpose them to investigate dark energy. What do you think?

  • "They should give NASA some wiretaps to listen in on what those asteroids are saying about us."

    Kenny Grieve Disc-Pad-Plate Filler
  • "NASA always gets the best hand-me-downs. Remember a couple years ago when the USDA donated a corn picker? Up it went, right into space."

    Sheena Vincent Welt Cutter, Reflow Operator
  • "Oh, you believed that, did you? Excellent."

    Todd Lanier-Bramlett Display Maker

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