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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Former Spy Telescopes Turned To Space

The National Reconnaissance Office has donated two former spy telescopes to NASA, which hopes to repurpose them to investigate dark energy. What do you think?

  • "They should give NASA some wiretaps to listen in on what those asteroids are saying about us."

    Kenny Grieve Disc-Pad-Plate Filler
  • "NASA always gets the best hand-me-downs. Remember a couple years ago when the USDA donated a corn picker? Up it went, right into space."

    Sheena Vincent Welt Cutter, Reflow Operator
  • "Oh, you believed that, did you? Excellent."

    Todd Lanier-Bramlett Display Maker

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