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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Fracking Causing Earthquakes?

Fracking wastewater is being blamed for several recent Youngstown, OH earthquakes, including one that reached a magnitude of 4.0. What do you think?

  • “There is simply no science I will ever choose to believe in that supports that idea.”

    Gabrielle Davis Flatwork Tier
  • "Don't worry, the U.S. Geological Survey is devising ways to solve the problem. In the meantime, we'll just have to put up with private corporations compromising the ancient bedrock underneath the North American continent's surface."

    Wallace Schneider Mica Inspector
  • "Well, then, fudge that fracking fricking son-of-a-beach wastewater, if it helps you feel better."

    Steve Bergman Brake Holder

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